The Storm
Listen here… Group One Crew, “He Said”
This is the promise I am clinging to today. I heard these lyrics in the car this morning–one of those times when I’ve heard the song a million times before but never really listened to the words. Now between the teary blur of these typed lines, I think this may just be my motto for the next three weeks.
So much has been going on lately… I don’t know how to even put my mush of thoughts into words. People want updates on Sy and I love that–so many folks rooting for him! But if you ask me how he is doing, I’ll probably just smile and say that all is well… but in reality, I don’t know. I have no idea really.
I see the joy in his eyes when he tastes a new food but am so perplexed when he complains of stomach pain, has a bout of eczema, or just has an emotional breakdown. His spirit is different these days–very sensitive and struggling. We realize this may be a healing reaction, or a blood sugar issue, or just years of his little body fighting and it’s all catching up with him. He has also dropped significant weight. I know that God definitely led us to this therapy and we still haven’t been able to jump in full-swing because of our schedules and honestly, there are just not enough hours in the day. When we are on the full therapy, the prep, administering and clean up runs about 8 hours a day. Oh and I’m on bedrest, did I mention that? Jordan’s schooling will be over in less than a month, so we are planning to get back on track and get totally immersed in the therapy–until of course, new baby arrives.
There is no choice in going back to conventional medicine at this point although I dream about it sometimes. His medical team was clear that there was nothing more that they can do beyond what we’ve already tried. And when I just want to give up and put Sy back on his formula boxes, God reminds me, “Are you trusting in ME (the Creator and Sustainer of the universe) or do you just want to go back to what is comfortable and put all of your faith in man?” It’s much easier to trust in the “norm” even when it’s failed us, than to step out onto somewhat unchartered territory like his therapy even when we know it’s exactly where God wants us. I often feel like Sy’s health is in now in my hands and God has to continually remind me that Silas is His; He is holding him in His hands, not mine.
So Jordan has three weeks left of school! Wow! Probably doesn’t seem like that long to you all but each day feels like a mountain right now. He is hardly home and when he is, he’s trying to do everything for me, the kids, and Sy’s therapy, along with everything else–like some sleep. He’s been sick a lot recently too which is so unlike him. I know the stress is immeasurable for him right now. He still has a lot of clinical hours to finish in a very short amount of time and he has people pulling from him on all sides. It doesn’t help that his 33 week pregnant wife is having pre-term labor and is now officially on bedrest. Yep, bedrest sounds great in theory and I will do my best, but some things just can’t be a reality right now. It’s not that we don’t care immensely for this precious new life and Jordan is willing to walk away from school for the health of this new baby, but complete bedrest for me just isn’t an option–at least not for the next three weeks. And please know that our support system here is AMAZING! Friends are so awesome and they often ask us how they can help us, but ever been so overwhelmed that you don’t even know where to begin to tell folks how they can help? This is the first time I can truly say that I understand that feeling.
I’ve learned a lot about myself lately and sometimes these self-realizations aren’t always very pretty and definitely not easy to express to the world. (In fact, I’m pretty terrified to post this blog in fear that people will think I’m complaining, negative, going on and on about my kid again, or have some sort of expectation… But in reality, I feel that God is calling me to take a leap of faith in authenticity in hopes it can be an encouragement to others. So I guess I’m finally obeying.) In the past, I’ve always been very organized, remembered everyone’s birthdays/anniversaries (even before Facebook), had coffee dates, hung out with loads of friends, etc. but now life just seems to escape by me. I can’t seem to remember much anymore and I’m sorry for that. Please grant me a little grace during this time. I used to wonder how people could forget important dates and such things, and now I am one of them! I can also be one who can live a bit in denial and usually tries to look for the positive or the spiritual lesson to be learned in any situation. You know, in tough times consider it pure joy and then move on… Pretty easy. But God is now teaching me to accept this storm I’m in–not the storm I’ve conquered or the one that’s past me by… but the one I’m currently walking through. I need to stop fighting it and count it a pure joy that God has chosen me to endure this time, under these less than stellar circumstances. He’s bending me and molding me to be more like Him and I can trust that He won’t let me break.
I guess today is song day! Let me end with these lyrics…
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
Listen: Casting Crowns, “Praise You In This Storm”
